mageofd00m:

When People Capitalize The First Letter Of Every Word In A Sentence

Say That To My Face Motherfucker Not Online See What Happens

THERE’S ALREADY A LOT OF YOU.

THOUGH, I PROBABLY WON’T DO THEM FOR THE NUMEROUS ASSHATS I ALREADY KNOW.

SOMETIMES, I WISH I WASN’T SUCH A TERRIBLE COOK.

I’M ALSO GETTING TIRED OF MY COLLEGE STUDENT BUDGET.

FIFTEEN LONG ASS EARTH MINUTES OF STANDING UNDER HOT WATER.

THAT IS ALL THE ABLUTION I NEED.

₳s mʉɔh as I ɔan be, my dear. ₳nd I wѳʉld bə all means ŧaʞe ŧhaŧ sweət “ɔhərry ass” ѳf yѳʉrs if yoʉ wəren’t so illʉsive and ɔleverly loɔʞing yѳʉr dѳѳrs. Jʉst wait for ŧhaŧ ѳne mѳmenŧ yѳʉ fѳrgət to loɔk ʉp… ϒѳʉ might wakə ʉp wiŧh a handsѳmə grəənblѳѳd

 HOLD ON. PUT ALL YOUR OTHER NASTY SHIT ON PAUSE FOR A SECOND.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU KNOW WHERE MY EARTH HIVE IS?

MY APARTMENT?

MY PERSONAL DOMAIN?

MY SHITHIVE?

A bright flood of teal fills the red chat window and your lip instinctively curls under your fangs. Her reply makes the chemicals in your stomach jump around a little bit. She’s right, it’s been a while. Even if it’s felt like forever it has only been a while. You choke down what ever is nervously crawling up your throat as you lean forward to send her something back.

CG: YEAH. IT HAS BEEN A WHILE.

CG: AND, NOT MUCH HONESTLY. MY LIFE IS STILL AT THE MISERABLE STANDSTILL THAT IT WILL MOST LIKELY ALWAYS REMAIN AT.

CG: I’VE MADE MY EDUCATIONAL ADVANCES HERE ON EARTH, THOUGH. THAT’S FOR SURE. CAN’T LET MYSELF GET LOST IN ALL THE STUPID HUMANS ARE CONSTANTLY RECYCLING BY MOUTH.

CG: BUT, WHATEVER.

CG: NO BIG DEAL THERE.

You stop typing for a bit and try to stop yourself from chewing through your lower lip. Man, your life really wasn’t going anywhere. It kind of sucked to have to tell her that, but it was true. While you were away in Washington, you’ve introduced yourself many universities, and studied in lines of bodily sciences, but it just didn’t feel like you’ve done anything truly productive.

You smash a flat palm against your brow. You also make a mental note to get your shit together. But, that might be easier said than done.

CG: OH, AND, MY QUADRANTS?

She also wants to know about your romance life? Fuck, how have these questions never occurred to yourself? The last truly romantic feelings you’ve ever had for another were revolved around— Well… As much as it cramps up your insides to admit—her. But, how are you suppose to tell her that?

That thought is plain retarded, because you WON’T be telling her.

CG: HA. HA. HOLY SHIT. I WON’T LIE TO YOU. I HAD SOME FLINGS.

CG: BUT, UH…

CG: AGAIN

CG: IT WAS PRETTY MUCH NO BIG DEAL. EVERYONE I MET TURNED OUT TO BE A MEGA DUMPASS.

CG: SO, NO. I DON’T HAVE ANY RESPECTABLE “ARM CANDY” TO BE SHOWING OFF.

CG: BUT, WHATEVER, YOU KNOW? I’M 0KAY WITH THAT.

You fall back on your bed and bury your face in your palms. You feel like screaming, but that would be stupid. Flings? Ha! That was an overstated overstatement. But, it would be the worst blow to your ego to have to tell her that next to your social life, your romantic life isn’t doing so hot either.

>Ask her about her life as well! It’s only polite.

You sit back up and stare blankly at the screen. She hasn’t written back, yet. You definitely have time to squeeze that question in there and not look like a total jerk.

But, do you really have to?

>Yes!! Do it!!

Oh god. You really don’t want to know, though. Well, you do. You want to know everything she’s been up to, but you’re pretty much certain that her life’s been tops without you.

>JUST DO IT!!

FINE!

The voice insists!

You give in and start to type in the question.

CG: OH, AND, UH

CG: HOW’S YOUR LIFE BEEN AND JUNK???

This is stupid.

john-egderp asked: not all your choices are awful...

HA.

HA.

THAT REALLY KICKED ME IN THE FUCKING LAUGH BOX.

A LARGE MAJORITY OF MY CHOICES AND DECISIONS ARE TAINTFUCK-TERRIBLE.

arsenicgodtier asked: :33 < ive just missed you okay

:33 < i am allowed to have missed you right

YES, I GUESS YOU ARE ALLOWED TO DO THAT.

THANKS??? RIGHT? THAT’S SOMETHING YOU SAY TO THE EMOTION OF SOMEONE MISSING YOU?

ravenousavian asked: Karʞat, my darling swəetblood... We rəally shѳʉld spənd morə timə ŧogeŧher. Maybə evən əngage ѳn a hʉman "datə" ѳr sѳmeŧhing¿ I rather liʞe thə sѳʉnd ѳf ŧhaŧ. My dəsires pʉŧ asidə, I nəed a beŧŧər piɔtʉres ѳf yoʉ. Minə arə gəŧŧing rathər wѳrn.

HOLY.

SHIT.

I HAVE LITERALLY JUST CRAWLED THE FUCK OUT OF MY RECOUPPERACOON.

I’M SITTING HERE DRIPING IN GREEN GOOP.

AND, THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO WAKE UP TO?

YOU METAPHORICALLY AND CLOSE TO LITERALLY ON MY CHERRY ASS AT ALL TIMES, AREN’T YOU, KORVIN?

… probably hay fever or allergies bro tis the season

OH GOD. I CAN’T EVEN TAKE A MOMENT TO UTILIZE THE AVAILABLE OXYGEN AROUND ME.

I DON’T *HAVE* ALLERGIES. THAT’D BE STUPID AS SHIT.

ALTHOUGH, I’M LACKING APPROPRIATE KNOWLEDGE ON WHAT “HAY FEVER” IS??? SOUNDS EXOTIC. 

MY EYES ARE ITCHY AS FUCK.

SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. FUCK. WHORE. BITCH.

WHAT IS GOING ON? MY SNIFF NODES ARE COMPLETELY SPAZZING THE FUCK OUT HERE.

SNEEZING.

I CAN’T STOP.

OH GOD. I’M GOING TO DIE.

john-egderp asked: so um... how are you?

I GUESS… I’M OKAY???

DEALING WITH MY LIFE OF PRETTY MUCH ENDLESS AWFUL CHOICES.

THE USUAL.

arsenicgodtier asked: :33 < well hello there stranger

YEAH. YEAH. IT’S BEEN FOR FUCKING EVER, I KNOW. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?